New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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