Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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