Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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