i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
