Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
