u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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