Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
