70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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