If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
