I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
