I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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