you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
