Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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