sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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