Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The dick lei will go down in squad history
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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