The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
