I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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