Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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