five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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