he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
