Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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