tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
