I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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