I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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