If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize