he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
