I wanna bring you to show and tell
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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