Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
