He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
