I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize