last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
