You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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