My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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