I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
