He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
