somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
