my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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