All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
