does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
