Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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