Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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