I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
