I hate your face
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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