Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
