My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
