My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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