His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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