**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
