My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
