It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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