The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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