Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
