Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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