Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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