his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
