Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
