forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
