I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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