I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
