a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
