Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
