I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
