also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
