Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
