Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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