im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
