i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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