Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
