apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize