Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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