On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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