the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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