I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
